Nonverbal cues found in dating specifically first encounters
(Nonverbal Communication in dating using Uncertainty Reduction theory)
By: John Maverick Moradilla
1-BSCS
Prof. Antonio Salvador S. de Veyra
March 27, 2007
The proponent aims to know the key points on which nonverbal communications is most effective in the area of dating. And also to unlock the hidden meanings of some Body Language which humans use in order to attract their mate.
In this study I have requested a friend of mine to exactly narrate to me his personal story on how he has courted his girlfriend. In the context of this story he has pointed out the nonverbal cues which he has used when he and his girlfriend was still strangers to each other. My friend chose not to reveal his real name so I used another name instead.
It started with a dare between boys participating in a youth camp. The dare was to befriend the first girl that would pass by them. And along came Trisha(not her real name). It was Paul’s(not his real name) turn to befriend someone so he approached her, said hi, crossed his arms to his chest, talked a little, and then said goodbye. Paul wasn’t attracted to her then. He hadn’t even thought about her until the night after when she was sitting on the ground with no one to talk to and staring at nothing in particular. Paul, being the nosy boy that he is, wanted to know what’s up with her.
He kept on walking past her, going back and forth, to catch her attention. With no luck, he just approached her, sat beside her and asked what’s up. From then on, they became somewhat friends. After the youth camp, they frequently meet and go out. They often secure each other’s interests in conversations by glances and smiles. They often talk about school, common friends or family stories.
As Paul slowly got to know Trisha more, he fell in love with her. But the problem was how to know if she loves him back. In a very brave endeavor, he held her hand and waited anxiously for her reaction. Look straightly into Trisha’s eye and told her how he felt about her. Then in reply she gently squeezed his hand and smiled at him.
THE END
What is a date? A date based from what I found in a forum from ninetyandnine.com a dating site – “is a chance to go out with someone and get to know how someone reacts and acts in a neutral environment”.
In dating the couple has this special kind of bond which takes them further inside one another. And these special kinds of bonds are made possible by nonverbal cues which they exercise or practice throughout the given period of time, thus reducing their uncertainties towards each other. Humans can’t live without communication. That’s a basic fact of life. Seventy-five percent of our daily lives are spent on communicating. And a bigger slice of that seventy-five percent is Interpersonal Communication or the one-to-one communication.
But within this type of communication, there are still two kinds of communication: the Verbal Communication and Nonverbal communication. The verbal type, as the name suggests, deals with spoken or written communication. The nonverbal type deals with wordless communication such as gesture, body language, facial expression and eye contact. (http://members.aol.com/nonverbal2/diction1.htm)
Nonverbal communication happens even when you are not aware of it. A glance, a smile and a frown are examples of nonverbal communication. When used together, the verbal and nonverbal forms of communication turn into a singular powerful tool in communicating with other people.(www.questia.com/library/communication) .
A simple misunderstanding can make or break a relationship. So it is important to know how to use the right cues in the opportune moment because people can communicate more effectively when armed with the right information about body gestures. And it is also important to know how nonverbal communication works because it is the determining factor in building impressions towards other people.(www.lovingyou.com)
Emotions are particularly expressed through non-verbal communication, where the voice and body can tell a lot more about how you feel than your words. In particular, if you feel unable to express emotions verbally, your words and body language can easily conflict, sending messages that may be interpreted as stress or deceit.(http://changingminds.org)
Based on the story the proponent has made some analysis and these are his interpretation on all the nonverbal cues Paul used in his encounter with his girlfriend.
What happened in the story of Paul is an example of how nonverbal communication works. The crossing of arms by Paul at their first conversation was a nonverbal cue that suggests shyness and nervousness. This might be because it was their first time to talk and as Paul was the first to approach, Trisha might snub her or completely make fun of him. The crossing of the arms to the chest, as what Allan Pease said in his book “Body Language”, was originally to defend the heart (66).
As for the getting to know each other part in their relationship, the sideways glance and smile they give out to each other suggest an interest toward the other. And this cue is frequently used as a courtship signal (Pease 91).
That straight look in the eyes by Paul was also a great move for this nonverbal cue reveals serious you are on what you’re saying and that in gives them the reason to trust you for this. The gentle squeeze in the hand and a smile gave Paul an answer to his question of what Trisha feels for him. The squeeze in the hand tells Paul that his attempt for an intimate contact was fine for Trisha and that the following smile just supported the first nonverbal cue.
The theory that needs to be considered in this study would be the URT or the Uncertainty Reduction Theory by Charles Berger. This theory has two key points and these are the following.
1. Presumes that the beginning of the personal relationship are fraught with uncertainties.
2. Presumes that people want to reduce uncertainty in relationships through knowledge and understanding.
According to Charles Berger people have a need to reduce uncertainty about each other by finding out information about them. So we engage in a conversation with them. But in this conversation most of the messages that we relay are by the use of words and that these words are really not effective for the reason that most of the words that we relay to our receiver are easily forgotten or misunderstood if it isn’t emphasized or elaborated well.
This is were gestures or nonverbal cues comes in. These nonverbal cues which Berger refers to are gestures which emphasize the verbal cues or words that the sender uses. Let’s say in dating the guy wants to tell the girl that how he truly feels about her. In this situation the guy needs a gesture which would surely show how serious he is. So the guy decide to engage in a conversation with the girl. But what is more important is how he uses his gestures to show how he feels so he decide to use nonverbal cues, which is looking straight to the eyes of the girl and holding her hand while telling the girl how he feels towards her.
On the other hand while the guy was doing this the girl felt a feeling that she never felt before a feeling of trust and belief towards the guy for she felt the sincerity in him which was caused by holding her hands and looking straight into her eyes. These feelings which she felt are caused by sensory organs which triggered the heart to beat faster and pump more blood into the body. This shows how effective and how strong the impact of nonverbal cues to the receiver of the message.
The Uncertainty Reduction Theory, by Charles Berger, is a scientific attempt to explain the interaction between two people, primarily those meeting for the first time. According to Berger, the main goal of each participant in conversation is to predict the reaction of the other person and to reduce the amount of uncertainty that is inherent in a first encounter. Em Griffin, the author of A First Look at Communication, says that Berger “believes it’s natural to have doubts about our ability to predict the outcome of initial encounters…’the beginnings of relationships are fraught with uncertainties’” (136). Due to this intriguing nature, Berger aims to discover and justify the links behind the interact ional process in a scientific framework meanwhile proving that “uncertainty is central to all social interaction” (Griffin 142).”
Uncertainty Reduction Theory helps us better understand this phenomenon by explaining ways in which we can reduce our uncertainty. Communication is the main way in which we can reduce our uncertainty, both verbally and nonverbally. Through URT, we have learned better and more effective ways to reduce uncertainty in our relationships with others, as well as in our encounters with strangers. Among the original propositions which are included in Uncertainty Reduction Theory is that when people have their uncertainty reduced, they will be more satisfied in their relationships. It is also proposed that when one person has high uncertainty, the other does as well. Finally, it is proposed that high levels of uncertainty cause more information to be sought, normally through communication.( Jeff Pomeroy)
Here are some dating tips which imply nonverbal cues or gestures which I have found in the internet that can also be associated with this study.
Posture- One can easily tell a guy’s level of confidence just by observing his posture. If you swagger, you give off the impression that you’re trying too hard or too overconfident. Slouching or a bowed head would mean that you’re unsure of yourself. Confident people often sit up straight and walk with a natural, even gait.(www.lifespy.com)
Eye Contact- Keeping eye-contact is a real challenge. But doing so, gives the impression that you’re sincere and really interested in her. It’s really hard to avoid looking somewhere else (especially if she’s flirting by showing a bit of skin). Glance, don’t stare. Don’t ever talk to her breasts. Oh yeah, avoid checking out other women too.(www.lifespy.com)
Manners and Etiquette-Better brush up on etiquette in general. Grooming counts. Just keep yourself neat and clean. Invest on grooming products. be wary of how you approach other people. hollering at waitresses, seeking petty quarrel, lack of table manners, generally being unkempt. These tell her that you’re a pig.( www.lifespy.com)
This study has shown how effective nonverbal communication can be. Many people may have a hard time in practicing and enhancing their Nonverbal skills but never worry for as Berger said that Nonverbal cues are not practiced they are reflected or revealed automatically by our body in vital undertakings with other people. If I were to sum all of this I would arrive to the conclusion that nonverbal communication truly contains hidden meaning and that those meaning struck the receiver in a very unique and precise way which he/she would accurately understand.
Bibliography:
“Uncertainty Reduction Theory”
http://www.changingminds.org/explanations/theories/uncertainty_reduction.htm
http://www.afirstlook.com/archive/information.cfm?source=archther
“Nonverbal Communication”
http://www.questia.com/library/communication/human-communication/nonverbal-communication.jsp?CRID=nonverbal_communication
“Body Language”
http://members.aol.com/katydidit/bodylang.htm
“Dating Tips”
http://www.lifespy.com/2007/men-dating-tips-how-to-ask-a-girl-out-on-a-date/
